Reilly Assignment

“Be tough as nails.”

Funny how such a simple statement can change the whole course of ones existence. She spoke these words to me when I was still just a little girl and never have I forgotten them. And I never will.

Yet now, it is my strength that cuts her so deep; my ability to keep even the kindest and most charming people out. It is something she had always wished for me, something she herself has perfected.

She is sick. Has been since she was diagnosed in 1984. Multiple Sclerosis, street name MS, believed to be an autoimmune disease (a disease in which the body attacks its own tissue). In MS, inflammation and scarring of myelin occurs. As a result certain nerve functions in the body slowly stop working. Much like AIDs it can not kill you. Rather complications that result from it or infections due to a lowered immune system do.

1984. Twenty three years. In that time she has bore and raise four children. Cooked for them, driven them to and from one activity or another, put up with their tantrums (that are quite frequent), given them advice and taught them never to take anything or anyone for granted.

I do not remember a time that she was healthy. And by healthy I mean able to walk on her own. Even at age four I’ve had to help her, one of my very first memories. MS takes away peoples ability to walk. Despite her handicap she is determined to be as independent as possible, something she prides herself on, even after surgeries.

However, now even that is slowly slipping away from her. Around mid-January she began to have severe pain scissor through her life. It occurred in her mouth. All of us believed that it was as simple as a root canal. Then it got so bad that she wasn’t even able to eat or talk without screaming in agony. She couldn’t sleep unless she was sitting up straight and even then after only an hour or so she’d jolt awake as another wave of anguish flooded her senses. Sometimes her cries woke me.

We soon discovered that it was not a root canal problem. In fact, it had nothing to do with her face, directly. It was her trigeminal nerve. This nerve controls sensations in the face. To stop the pain she was prescribed, yet another, pill. It killed the pain alright, and all independence she had. You see, it not only relaxes the trigeminal nerve but all nerves in her body. As a result all the benefits she was supposed to receive from all her surgeries (including a spinal tap) were reversed. Now she is constantly tired and unable to drive, cook, clean, everything she did everyday to stay semi-independent.

Now all her responsibilities fall on me, being the eldest and most reliable in the household (now that my older siblings have all grown up). I drive, cook, clean, I’m tough as nails just as she said I should be. But now that hurts her. Because whenever she reaches for me I pull back. No connection, no attachment, no pain for when she goes.